I'm feeling ucky today. I have been in lots of pain. I am sure a storm front is coming through. My head has been under lots of pressure and I have been having to sit down alot to let the "dizzy spells" pass. My mood is a bit down also. I go through mini mood spells throughout the day usually. Some days it is more pronounced than others. I am what they call a rapid-cycling bi-polar with mixed states. It seems I don't get a break. I have been this way for over 30 years. My best time seems to be in the wee hours of the night. This is common for people with mood disorders. I seem to relish the quiet of the evening when no one else is around and it is dark and I know the phone won't ring and no one will bother me. My mood lightens and my brain stops buzzing. My heart also lightens. Even though I am on a cocktail of medications nothing can take away the insidious cycle of this disease. The edge can be taken off most of the time, but I can still feel it's affects on my brain and body. Alot of days I just push through in a "fake it 'til you make it" mode knowing that it will get better eventually. The worst is when I am depressed for months at a time. If you notice, I have a gap in my journal for about six months. That is when I was in a deep depression. I couldn't even get on the computer. I can't even form sentences to write when I am feeling this way. Some days (and I must admit it is most days), I have a fear in the back of my head that says, "When will the next depression hit?", "Will my medicine stop working anytime soon?" It is a small terror that is ever-present. I know I can not live my life in fear. I would never get anything done. I must trust God. It is a realistic fear, though, as I have spent more days depressed in my life than not -- many, many more. I have spent many days away from loved ones in my pain and the hell of messed up brain chemicals. Hospitalization for mental illness is the worst thing I have ever had to face in my life. Trying to get well and pull myself out of it is a strength that I must get deep from within my soul and it takes every bit of energy and faith that I have. I have dealt with alot of physical pain in the past ten years also and I would gladly go through physical pain than the painof mental anguish. Not that I like either. When I go through mental pain I forget my physical pain even exists. Boy, this is getting pretty morbid, sorry. Not sure where this is all coming from. Just feeling a little down and scared. Sometimes, one needs to share.
Chelsea went to a friend's house as she has been feeling sick for five days and is wondering if something in this home is making her ill. Lovely. So she left for two days to see if she feels better. We have a hole in the kitchen roof that my landlord hasn't fixed yet and I fear she is getting sick from mold. I am going to let the landlord "have it" when I see him tomorrow!!!! Well, I am off here as I have a bunch of things to do.....Stay well all!