Tuesday, September 7, 2004


I'm feeling ucky today.  I have been in lots of pain.  I am sure a storm front is coming through.  My head has been under lots of pressure and I have been having to sit down alot to let the "dizzy spells" pass.  My mood is a bit down also.  I go through mini mood spells throughout the day usually.  Some days it is more pronounced than others.  I am what they call a rapid-cycling bi-polar with mixed states.  It seems I don't get a break.  I have been this way for over 30 years.  My best time seems to be in the wee hours of the night.  This is common for people with mood disorders.  I seem to relish the quiet of the evening when no one else is around and it is dark and I know the phone won't ring and no one will bother me.  My mood lightens and my brain stops buzzing.  My heart also lightens.  Even though I am on a cocktail of medications nothing can take away the insidious cycle of this disease.  The edge can be taken off most of the time, but I can still feel it's affects on my brain and body.  Alot of days I just push through in a "fake it 'til you make it" mode knowing that it will get better eventually.  The worst is when I am depressed for months at a time.  If you notice, I have a gap in my journal for about six months.  That is when I was in a deep depression.  I couldn't even get on the computer.  I can't even form sentences to write when I am feeling this way.  Some days (and I must admit it is most days), I have a fear in the back of my head that says, "When will the next depression hit?", "Will my medicine stop working anytime soon?" It is a small terror that is ever-present.  I know I can not live my life in fear.  I would never get anything done.  I must trust God.  It is a realistic fear, though, as I have spent more days depressed in my life than not -- many, many more.  I have spent many days away from loved ones in my pain and the hell of messed up brain chemicals.  Hospitalization for mental illness is the worst thing I have ever had to face in my life.  Trying to get well and pull myself out of it is a strength that I must get deep from within my soul and it takes every bit of energy and faith that I have.  I have dealt with alot of physical pain in the past ten years also and I would gladly go through physical pain than the painof mental anguish.  Not that I like either.  When I go through mental pain I forget my physical pain even exists.  Boy, this is getting pretty morbid, sorry.  Not sure where this is all coming from.  Just feeling a little down and scared.  Sometimes, one needs to share.

Chelsea went to a friend's house as she has been feeling sick for five days and is wondering if something in this home is making her ill.  Lovely.  So she left for two days to see if she feels better.  We have a hole in the kitchen roof that my landlord hasn't fixed yet and I fear she is getting sick from mold.  I am going to let the landlord "have it" when I see him tomorrow!!!!  Well, I am off here as I have a bunch of things to do.....Stay well all!


  1. Oh Val, wish I could give you a big hug.  Sorry I did not realise you were going through all of this.  I have had many bad times as well and I am fearful quite often.   Faith is a help but not the answer.  Still, we have to keep going the best we can.  Hope you get the hole in your roof fixed.  Thinking of you my dear friend. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. God bless.

  2. I seem to relish the quiet of the evening when no one else is around and it is dark and I know the phone won't ring and no one will bother me.  My mood lightens and my brain stops buzzing.  My heart also lightens.

    Snap.................know what you mean..................exactly


  3. Feeling for you Valerie.  And don't pay the landlord the rent until he fixes the cieling! -Krissy

  4. Val, I'm so sorry you are feeling ucky, but I'm very glad you put all this down in your journal to share with us.  We care about you and I think we become extended family to each person's journal we regularly read.  I hope that deep depression you speak of stays away from you, as I hate that you may not write here for months on end.  I would miss you.  But I'm glad you're a fighter, too, and you try your best to stave off these attacks.  I'll pray for you, Val, that the Lord will hold you in His arms and continue to give you the strength you need.  Please hang in there, girl.  I'm rooting for you.  

  5. The quote Stewart picked hit me as well. I am a night owl for this same reason. Between you and Krissy, you both hit the lottery with mental health (and not in the good way). And some people doubt a genetic link...bah to them.

  6. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your life.  I have put a prayer up for you just now so that you won't live in fear.  

    Hope Chelsea is better soon.  And the landlord should "have it" or at least "hear it" - LOL - if he's not fixing the hole in the roof.

    Take care.
    Sonya (MySouthernHome)

  7. I am so sad that your are not very well and your feeling so bad. If I could pop over and help, I would do. My thoughts are with you and if you ever need to talk, let me know and I will give you my number. Take care and don't forget, you are not alone and dont have to manage this by yourself, you have friends who care :).........Jules xxx

  8. Depression is a scary thing.  I've dealt with long term depression for most of my life.  Beyond depression to the point of Dysthimic is horrible.  Oh, and meds, ha!  they can be your best friend, when it's finally right.  Thanks for visiting my site, feel free to visit anytime!  Hugs!  Nikki

  9. Depression sucks and has so many faces and can sneak inside my mind un-noticed until it spreads it's nasty tendrals. But we can't give up and have to keep seeking help and councel. My sleep pattern tends to get all screwed up too, which makes holding down a regular job a bit rough at times. Thanks for sharing your insight into this issue.  Prayers and good vibes to you and yours. Hope you'll stop on by my journal sometime.

    "We all need to be able to understand and be understood. Without this there can be no tranquility." -David Baird

  10. I also suffer from bipolar and I have anxiety , ocd, etc. I know what your talking about :)
    Take Care and God Bless


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