A Wonderful Poem

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Copyright (c) 1999
Published by Mountain Dreaming

THE INVITATION

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled
and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy
fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be
careful,
to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day,
and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief
and despair, weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not
shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.





My beautiful sister-in-law, Shawn, sent me this poem this morning and I wanted to share it with everyone as I thought it was a wonderful one and shared sentiment that was in my soul as well.  Living daily life is important, but actually jumping in and experiencing life with empathy, desire, trustworthiness, gusto.....etc. is extra important.  I know that this is particularly hard when one has daily depression, mood swings, and daily pain as I do.  So I salute all of you who are joining in with life and actually winning this battle.  Even if it is something small on some days.    I hope everyone enjoyed it!   Krissy and her fiance, John, are coming over to watch a movie, The Princess Diaries with me today at 1:00pm.  I am really looking forward to this as I haven't relaxed and taken any time out for myself and just "gotten away from it all".  To those of you in the U.K.-  My prayers are with all of you, that Charley will be kind to you and that there will be little flooding and damage done.  I know that when it rains on me and it is windy my fibro. acts up as does my depression.  It is the curse of the chronically ill.  Do take care of yourselves over there!  Sending prayers!

I'm Thankful Tonight

Where, oh where, have all the AOL alerts gone?  Oh where, oh where can they be?  Oh well.  I had fun jumping around everybody elses' journals and looking and seeing what everyone wrote today and investigating instead of being alerted and just reading my alerts.  I do love reading other's journals and I think it is cool that we can "peak" into other's lives.  I am a little bit socially phobic and like to stay at home alot.  So blogging is a good way to meet people and be honest and say what is on your mind and still be in your p.j.'s. and not have to worry about the social gathering part of finding others.  I do believe that I am not going to find a husband this way, though, so I better get over my social phobia!!  I am feeling grateful tonight, though, as it is getting closer to my daughter's arrival!  Two more days!!  I am "nesting" here.  I have been doing all kinds of housework and all kinds of preparations for her arrival and the gratification is enormous.  I have not lived with my children for twelve years, so I have not felt this kind of gratification since Chelsea was six.  I know it sounds crazy that a mother has not had her children for twelve years, but that is a long, long story that I will write for another entry.  It is a source of enormous pain and will take alot of energy for me to write.  It will also take some trust in my readers.  Chelsea called me last night and told me that they have to bulldoze their house and that it is a total loss.  She said that when you walk into the house there is mold on the walls and windodws and there is no roof anymore.  You sink into the carpets as there is so much water and they lost all of their possessions.  They are destroyed by this toxic mold and fiberglass and water damage.  Now my son went to live with a friend for six months or so until they can build a new house.  His darn (I want to use a stronger word!) father never gave me the address or phone number of the friend that he is staying at so I have no idea where my son is!!  My son is 16 and his name is Matthew.  I plan on putting a picture of him in my journal tomorrow.  He is a wonderful kid.  He had better call his Mama soon!!  I also wanted to tell the world tonight that God is very good and that He is my heart and I wanted to praise Him!  He has done so many good things for me recently!  I don't say it out loud enough, but God is the center of my universe and everything spokes out from Him.  With that, I will sign off and hope that everyone is well tonight and that everyone is feeling peaceful....

I I Could Be....

I found this in someone's journal and liked it and (with permission) I decided to fill it out.  Enjoy!

If I Could Be

 

If I could be a time of day, I would be:  evening when the sun is setting.

If I could be a planet, I would be:  earth..it's natural

If I could be a direction, I would be:   horizontal...I like my bed....or north..I hate being hot

If I could be a piece of furniture, I would be:   a big over-stuffed chair

If I could be a stone, I would be:  garnet

If I could be a tree, I would be:  a weeping willow

If I could be a bird, I would be: a hummingbird

If I could be a flower, I would be:  a wild African Violet

If I could be a kind of weather, I would be: I would be the four seasons, but my winter would be mild and my summer would never go over 68 degrees with low humidity..I have enough moods to be the four seasons ;-) 

If I could be a musical instrument, I would be: the wooden flute

If I could be a color, I would be: red

If I could be an emotion, I would be: compassion

If I could be a sound, I would be: humming

If I could be a car, I would be: a Toyota Corolla 

If I could be a material, I would be: cotton

If I could be a taste, I would be: mango

If I could be ascent, I would be:  the smell after the rain

If I could be a word, I would be:  This one is hard..um...meow

If I could be a facial expression, I would be:  ;-o

And if I could be anyone, I would be:  I would only be me!

Chicks and a Goat and The Amish

Good evening everyone.  I had a pretty laid-back day.  It was calm and fun and at times humorous.  When I woke up I had told myself that I must get some housework done.  I was resigned to do this when a friend asked me if I wanted to go for a car ride with him.  I don't much like housework and I love car rides, so it was a pretty easy decision to push back the housework for a later time.  We hopped in the car and off we went.  First we went to Wal-Mart where I picked up bird seed, cat litter and a stuffed animal for Chelsea's new bed.  Then we headed off to my friend, Roger's, aunt Linda's house.  She lives right in the heart of Amish country.  A few of you asked who the Amish were.  To explain them simply, they are a Protestant sect of religious folk who choose to live away from mainstream life.  They have no electricity or plumbing and farm off their land.  They go to their own schools - only to the eigth grade usually - at which time they are needed on the farm or at home or at their family's business.  They ride in horse-drawn buggies and are pretty strict disciplinarians.  They have lots of kids and take care of each other very well.  The women wear dark skirts and a blouse and bonnet and are very "hardy" and the men wear dark pants, shirts and suspenders and a hat.  The married men have beards but no moustaches.  They do not have to pay taxes in the U.S. and do not believe in the government.  I visit them here and there to buy from their orchards or from their baked goods shops or eat in their restaurants, etc.  When you visit them you can't help thinking about the "meaning of life" or what things were like before we were inundated with so much technology.   Anyway, Roger's Aunt Linda is friends with the Amish and she (his aunt) was watching about five small children today.  These children "borrowed" two chicks from her Amish neighbors.  I sat and held these chicks for a long time.  I was amazed as I had never held a bird before in my life.  Birds have kind of frightened me.  These chicks were very, very calm.  Right next to these birds were two dogs frolicking about.  I was amazed that the dogs did not try to eat the birds.  As I was holding the chicks I felt very peaceful.  Then one didsomething I thought was quite amazing.  He kept pecking me.  So I thought he wanted down and I let him down right next to me.  He had to go poo-poo. lol.  Then he hopped right back in my hand.  So these two birds snuggled in my hands for a couple of hours and any time they needed to poo they just pecked on my fingernail and I let them down!  Then they would hop back up!  Then the children took the birds to the miniature goat that was tied up in the yard.  This was the first time I had met a miniature goat before, too!  They set the chicks in the yard with the goat.  So, now here are two chicks, a goat and two dogs and they are just sitting and staring at one another!  I was amazed!  I guess I am a city girl, but I would think that they would be fighting!  Then one chick jumped on the back of the goat and about thirty seconds later the second chick jumped on the back of the goat and they fell asleep!   And the goat is walking around with two asleep chicks on its back!  It was too funny!  So I pet Betsy The Miniature Goat for awhile before I left because I had never had the privilege of meeting a goat before.  She was a sweetie.  The kids gave the chicks the names "Fuzzy" and "Eagle".  They were grey and tan with spots.   We then said goodbye to everyone and all the animals and took a long drive back home.  

I was very grateful to have gotten out today as it was so beautiful and sunny out.  It had finally stopped raining.  I was getting tired of the rain leaking through my roof.  Drip...drip...drip....drip...Chinese water torture.  I called my landlord this morning to report that, yes, it is still leaking (since he hasn't fixed it yet!) and would he please fix it soon.  It has been leaking since I moved in at the beginning of the month :-( Every once in awhile a piece of plaster comes down and clomps to the floor.  Oh well.  I told him today that Chelsea is moving in next Saturday and he said that would be just fine.  I was a little worried about letting him know that she was coming.  I don't know why, but I was.  Anyway, Chelsea gets here in six days!!!  I am so excited!  Her family is staying in a resort down in Florida that her aunt works at.  The resort has kindly given them a suite for free!  I don't know how long they can stay, but it has been over a week already and they are already okayed through next Wednesday.  I think that is so nice of the hotel.  So, if anyone is going to Walt Disney World, stay at Celebrations in Orlando!!!!  Well, I think I will finally go do some of that housework.....toodles.....       

Feeling Slow In The Head

I have been wanting to write in here for three days but my head has been feeling pretty stupid.  We have been getting lots of rain and when it rains it raises my intracranial pressure and I get headaches and it feels like my shunt isn't working.  Then I feel stupid and I get writer's block.  I am going to try and write anyway.  I am getting very tired of the rain.  I live in an area that is very grey and rainy.  It is not uncommon for us to have rain at some point in the day for a month or have a cloudy few months at a time.  It is cloudy ol' Pennsylvania.  I do love it here, though.  It is calm and serene.  The people are very nice and the nature is fantastic.  You can hop in the car and you are just a mile (or a few) away from a library, store, movie theater, campus, bowling alley, book store, you name it!  It is your own fault if you get bored here!  There are also places to escape here.  There are many parks.  There are mountains,cows, sheep, pigs, trees to sit under and Amish not too far away.  Boy do I love visiting the Amish!  They are so friendly and they love to talk and laugh and they can make you realize what is really important in life!  Our family has an Amish couple that are our friends that owns a craft store.  They are so humble.  They are in their 70's and have a bunch of grown children.  Eli and Katie are their names.  Eli owns a horse named Sparky and when we visit them I like to go out and talk to ol' Sparky.  He has a really nice stall outside that he lives in and Eli made him a neat place to stay near a chicken coop where he can look out a window all day long.  Eli loves Sparky.  He only takes him out when they need to take out the buggy for a ride.  He spends alot of time outside brushing Sparky and talking to him.  His face lights up when you ask him about this beloved horse.  It is so dear.  I own a quilt that I have on my living room couch that Katie made.  Whenever I look at that quilt I think of her and their way of life.  One day we were at her house and we were eating some goodies as they ALWAYS offer us food and drink.  We were drinking Mountain Dew.  Katie was saying how much she and her family loved Mountain Dew.  I told her it was because of the sugar and thecaffeine.  She said, "It has caffeine in it?";  I said, "Oh my, yes, much more than coffee does!"; and she just howled out laughing and said, "Oh, that is why we like it so much then!"  It is interesting how many people think that the Amish are standoffish.  They are not at all.  They just like to have their way of life.  They do not want to be influenced by the "Englishers".  They are always pleasant to us Englishers, though.  One big fallacy about the Amish is that they are somehow ignorant, also.  The young children actually know German and English by the time they are in grade school.  And yes, they do not allow their picture to be taken.  They are very, very humble.  I notice as I talk to them that they are the same as any of us -- same worries, fears, conversation, humor, etc.  They place you at ease immediately.

I saw my sister, Therese, this week.  She is sister number 1.  I have four sisters - Therese, Krissy, Grace, and Deirdre  Therese came to my apartment today.  I hadn't seen her in probably six years or so.  It was really nice seeing her.  She and her husband and three children live in Maryland.  I also visited with her husband and one of her sons today.  I hadn't seen them in an even longer time.  I discovered that Therese and I like alot of the same artsy things - beading, quilting, fabrics, crocheting, nature.  It was really exciting talking to her about these things.  My kitty cat, Honey, also loved her.  I think Honey knew that she was my sister as she went right up to her and Honey NEVER does that.  Honey is skittish with anybody who is new.  All the females in my family have a very, very similar deep, melodic voice and Honey seems to know who is related to me and who isn't.  She took to my Mom right away as well as to Krissy and my sisters Deirdre and Grace.  She has not taken to any other stranger except after many visits.  I find this amazing.  Cats have an extra sense, I guess.  Oh, she doesn't like men very much.  I don't know why this is.  I think they walk harder and have a booming voice that she doesn't like.  I have led a quiet existence for the four years that I have had her.  I have been sick most of the time and have crept around and have been very pleasant to her and have had very little company.  She is used to my tip-toeing around.  So when there is alot of commotion she gets upset.  She is used to my pleasant dispotition and my quiet living.

I was thinking today about how wonderful Krissy's John is!  He has done so much for me and I wanted to thank him personally in my journal.  He has done so much for me over the past six years or so and he is a super person and I am so proud to call him my friend!  Whenever I have been sick or needed someone he has always been there, and for that I am so truly thankful!  Thanks, John, I will always love you!

I am signing off now....my head hurts....take care all!! 

When It Rains It Pours...

Jeepers, I just talked to Chelsea.  She called me from the hotel her family is staying at while they are getting their home repaired from Hurricane Charley.  She sounded very resigned.  She called to ask me to locate her a flight on the internet for August 28 or 29.  She then told me about the new troubles that they were having.  Her brother who is a toddler seems to be coming down with chicken pox and has a fever of 101.  Her car also broke down.  Her Dad lost his job today.  She lost all of her belongings in the hurricane -- every single one because the roof fell in and fiberglass and rain mingled with everything. 

She seems very relieved that I made her a home here already.  I finished up her bedroom which is nice and cozy and warm.  It is so freshly and happily decorated.  People are donating things for her like crazy!  Thank you, guys!  She has a new bed, dresser, night stand, decorations and clothes and can use anything of mine so I am sure she is relieved as she has been homeless since Friday and will be homeless until she gets here.  She has warm p.j.'s here and a kitty that likes to sleep in her bed.  I know it won't replace what she lost, but I do hope she can make it all her own.  I have lost all of my belongings a couple of times myself.  I know how hard it is to "start over".  My starting over wasn't from natural disaster, but from running from a dangerous partner.  Also, I have had all of my belongings stolen from me.  It is very hard to lose your photos and books and clothes and whatever possessions you have that make you what defines you and shows your personality.

I have been very happy with this new shunt!  I have been able to think more clearly and the pressure remains stable in my head.  I am amazed by the power of medicine!  If I lived just 50 years ago, there would have been no relief for me!  I would not have survived, actually.  That amazes me.  The body is a fabulous, wonderful machine.  It is not connected to a power source (although God created it!) and yet can run on its own and do many incredible actions and show its magnificence.  With just a tiny glitch though, it canbreak  down or go haywire. 

Well, it is a sleepy night and I haven't been taking care of myself in that department.  I have suffered with insomnia my entire life.  I suppose it goes along with the depression I suffer with.  I have tried everything.  If anyone has any suggestions let me know!  It is common for me to see the sun come up and for me to nap a couple times during the day.  My body just seems to want to come awake at night and get things done.  It craves the quietness and seclusion of the darkness and can perform during the night hours.  I can tell you every program that is on every TV channel throughout the night, and believe me, they are terrible!  I have been this way for 20 years or more.  I may fix it for a few days or a week or so, but I always go back to being a nocturnal being.  Tonight, though, I am going to try to sleep as I have had too much anxiety to keep this body awake.  Good night, all!    

Nature Is Powerful

Life has been kind of crazy since Friday.  I haven't been sleeping more than two or three hours on a pop.  It is strange how my kid's life in Florida really affect my emotions up here.  When they go through something, I feel it!  Whenever Chelsea breaks up with a boyfriend, I lose ten pounds!  When she was in a car accident (and she wasn't really hurt) I lost 15!  I think it might be worse with my not being around than with my actually being there as I worry about what "could" go wrong and I don't and have the answers immediately, and I can't  give my motherly advice right when I want to.  Anyway, I was on the computer and the phone with my kids on Friday as Hurricane Charley was coming up the coast.  They live in Kissimmee.  Charley took an unexpected turn and hit them dead on.  Before the storm actually struck I was on the computer talking to Chelsea (before her step-mom and Dad got home) about what to do in a hurricane.  "What room are you going to go in, Chels?; Do you have water?  No?  Go boil some!  Oh, the room you are staying in has double walls and plastic windows!  Great!  You have a mattress you can get under, great!"  She called me on the phone again right before it struck, "We got grandma and grandpa to come!  They weren't going to.  You know how grandpa is, but I said in my sweet voice, grandpa, will you come to my shelter?"  "Mommy, Michelle (her step-mom) did go to the store before work and get water and food and batteries and everything we need"  ("Well of course she did," I thought, "She is a mom!")  Then they hunkered down and the next time I heard from her was at 10:30pm.  She called on her cellphone from outside with a flashlight in her hand, "Mommy, that was much worse than I thought!"  I heard her Dad in the background laughing.  I said, "What is he laughing about? She said, "The people across the street are asking if that is our roof in their front yard!"  I said, "Oh my gosh, you lost your roof!"  She said, "All the shingles, anyways!"  Then as they were surveying the damages I heard, "The swingset is bent in half, poor Sammy (her 2 year-old brother), our <metal> fence is blown away.  Trees are down on roofs.  None on ours, though!  2 or three inches of water on the ground.  Oh, Mommy, water was pouring down our walls!"  Then she said she had to get off, or was it I who told her to get off as the other side of the storm was coming through?  I asked her to please call me after 1am when it came through.  I stayed up, but got no call because there was no electricity in the area by this time.  The next call I got was from her cellphone the next morning around (oh, what time was it?  I was losing track of time?  I wasn't sleeping!)..the next day anyway...she said they were driving around surveying the damage.  She said that their ceiling was caving in.  Water was coming into her house through the roof.  They could see the sky!  She guessed they needed a new house.  They were in high spirits, actually.  This amazed me!  They were all prepared and knew what they were doing and had high spirits and didn't worry about their things!  The final call I got was this morning.  Chels told me that her arrival to come live with me would be delayed as her Dad would be busy and she can't get to her things and they can't even get into her house and the electricity will be off for four to seven days.  I told her that was all okay as no body was hurt!  I told her I was proud of her for keeping in such good, good contact with me!  Chelsea has grown into such a good, young, responsible woman and I wanted to let her know that!  For all of you in Florida, I want to let you know that my prayers are with you and I am sorry for you losses (especially of life) and may you know that the rest of the country is praying for you.