Pic of Me and Chelsea

Good afternoon all!  I wanted to let you all in J-Land know that my sister (whom alot of you have read) has posted a picture of me and my daughter in her journal today.  If you want to see it it is at:
http:/journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink

Now, mind you, Chelsea is beautiful.  This is her mother speaking, of course.  I, on the other hand, just had major surgery in my head, and have a little bit of a bloated face and appear to be "a deer caught in a headlight".  I allowed the picture to be taken, nonetheless, because, you see, my sister, Krissy, and my daughter accompanied me to the hospital and brought the camera and I would deny them almost nothing if ever they asked.  They are my heart and soul and make my world turn.  I believe Krissy has a picture of herself in her Journal also.  Krissy has been such a wonderful sister and we seem to have a soul-connection and are even thought to be the same person at times by other people (who are not too astute, lol) or mistaken for twins.  Now, mind you, we don't look that much alike, but our mannerisms and speech are very, very similar as are our beliefs and our hearts.  We call ourselves Twins Born At Different Times (TBADT).  Chelsea has that similar soul and people tell me how much she is like me.  I am flattered as Chelsea is such a good, sweet and gentle young woman and I welcome the comparison.

I went to my psychiatrist today as I see her for bipolar depression.  She said something today that made alot of sense.  She is a very kind doctor.  I saw the compassion in her as she explained this and somehow it just hit me like it never did before even though it is so simple.  If any of you have a hard time explaining your "depression" or "obsessional thinking" or "anxiety" to loved ones perhaps this will help --She told me that when you have a physical disease anywhere in your body (except the brain) there is pain and we feel it.  The brain feels no physical pain.  So when the brain is having a physical problem the consequence is a "thought".  These thoughts of course are beyond our control and can be bizarre.  We think we are responsible for all of our thoughts.  When we are ill, we arenot.  We suffer and wonder why we can not be like others and wonder why we are thinking what we are thinking.  We are thinking what we are thinking because our brain is damaged in some way and this is the symptom of this damage.  I know this sounds simple, but it rings very true in my ears today and maybe I need to hear this.  For those of you who are hurting, may you find relief soon, and may you be kinder to yourself as you go through hard times.  You have a kindred spirit here and God knows what you are going through.  Prayers to all whomever you are!

Me Oh My....

I did something so stupid last night.  Well, it started earlier in the day, and culminated with a large mistake.  From the time I woke up yesterday morning (which was Sunday morning) through the entire day, I thought it was Monday.  So I went about my day as if it were Monday, making phone calls to businesses wondering why their answering machines were telling me to call back at business hours (!!this still didn't clue me in!!) and wondering why Monday TV wasn't on the boob tube.  I have a medication-minder (which is a seven-day, 4-times a day plastic container) that holds a week's worth of medicine.  Well I took Sunday's on Sunday still thinking it was Monday.  Well, Sunday night I went out to look at my med-minder (after taking three doses of medication from it that day, mind you) and thought, "Oh my!  I haven't taken any medication today!"  So I proceeded to take Monday night's medications.  So, at this point I was double-dosed on about six medications and some of them were two pills already!  I take quite a few pills a day for my chronic illnesses, so after doing this stupid deed, I was very dizzy and loopy and had to stay up until I was certain any ill-effects of what I had done to myself had run out.  So I did not go to bed until 5am or so.  When I woke up today, which was about 1:30 in the afternoon it felt like my head was going to pop off, but atleast I knew that I was okay.  I really must be much more careful from now on!   My day was pretty shot and I am hoping I can make up for it tomorrow and get some things done!  Take care, all! 

Life Without Hair

My neurosurgeon had to give me a "buzz" haircut when he insurted the shunt in my head and he apologized several times for my being bald.  I really anticipated it being a bigger shock than it was.  You see, my hair has been my biggest frustration and I would even go as far as calling it shameful.  I am not sure why it has caused me this much pain.  I hate my hair and always have.  Perhaps I have body dysmorphic sydrome (or whatever it is called) when it comes to my hair.  When the surgeon took it off, it was almost a relief.  I didn't have to worry about how it looked or how to fix it, because I had no choice.  It wasn't much of a shock to me either.  It is easy to take care of and keeps my body much cooler.  I have always been too hot and uncomfortable when the temperature raises above 68 degrees.  My mom was always telling me to put my coat on as a child and I was always taking it off when I got outside.  I continued not wearing a coat until I became ill in my 30's.  I labeled myself as having "temperature disregulation".  Now I can get too hot or too cold whenever my body wants to.  Anway, back to the hair.  It is so easy to care for and I know it is not out of place (because there is not much hair to go anywhere).  People do look, but they don't look so much at the hair - they look more at the scars possibly.  That is also uncomfortable, but, hey, not as uncomfortable as I felt when I thought my hair was out of place or frizzy or whatever.  Now I know this sounds whacked and whatnot, and I probably should be getting some "help" for this! lol, but I am enjoying not having hair for the moment and enjoying the very easy upkeep of it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe people are staring at me every time I go out of the house.  I do hold my head up straight and smile usually, unless I am in one of my funks, or I am irritable or tired.  Oh, and I do see a therapist twice a month.  lol  

My daughter is coming to live with me in 11 days.  She is 18 and is the light of my life.  I also have a son who is 16 and is the best son in the world.  They have been living with their father for 12 years as I have been chronically ill.  This is another story that I will tell you someday.  My daughter, Chelsea, lived with me for almost six years and Matt for almost four when they were young.  It has been very hard for me to have them so far away, to say the least.  I am in Pennsylvania and they are in Florida.  I have been seeing them in the summertime when school lets out and usually during their winter break.  Now they both want to go to college in PA so I am very blessed.  Their coming to PA is one of those things that you pray for for many years and have to be patient about and trust God for and eventually things come full circle.  It is very amazing to me and I thank God very much for it.

I will let you guys know how it goes with Chelsea's arrival!  Thanks for your comments!  Toodles and God bless!

  

   

A New Beginning

Good Morning everone!  This is my first entry in a very, very long time!  I am sitting in my new apartment with a kitty that is very skittish.  Cats just don't like getting used to new surroundings.  She is very comforted by my voice and my presence, though.  My Dad swears that he read somewhere that cats are more comforted and attached to surroundings than they are by their owners.  I KNOW this is not the case!!!  If I was not here for my "Honey" she would be a basket case and still under the bed!  I have babied her for a couple of days and she is now getting used to the sounds and is eating, drinking and using the litter box.  When I have left her alone for a trip in the past she has refused to eat her food and even go "poo-poo".  I guess she doesn't go poo-poo because she doesn't eat! lol  When I get home she is relaxed within a few short moments.  Thankfully, I do not have one of those cats that is angered by my actions and ignores me when I do something like leaving her for a long time!

So, I have been through quite a bit in the last couple of months.  I just had a v/a shunt put in.  It goes from my ventricles in my brain to my jugular vein going into my heart.  It is to control the extra csf pressure caused by the the chiari malformation I have.  It was an interesting experience having it put in.  The surgery wasn't as extensive, nor was it as hard to heal as my suboccipital decompression/craniectomy I had about a year and half ago.  I feel blessed as I have had little complications and feel lots better.  I wish I had done this awhile back, but you just don't know!  I am feeling alot more energy from having less pressure on the brain already!  I wanted to thank everyone out there who has prayed for me!  I HAVE HEARD and FELT your prayers!!!!!!!  They have meant so much to me!! 

I LOVE my new apartment as it is about 3 times larger than my last apartment!  It has ceiling fans to keep me cool!  Lord knows I get hot all the time! lol  It is also in a neighborhood that I can do alot of walking and I won't feel so secluded.  I have so much room for all of my "stuff", too! lol  I downsized before I came here (I threw away 18 big green garbage bags!), but still don't know how I have this much stuff for one person.  I like to think I am a minimalist.  So, if one is looking inside my apartment, one might think it a little bare.  My daughter, Chelsea, is coming to live with me in about 10 days also!!!!  I am so excited I can't believe it!!  I am preparing her room and "her" bathroom, which is really both of ours, but she has instructed me on how to decorate it! lol

Well, I am off to get the last of my "stuff" that is left behind today.  It is so beautiful outside.  I hope everyone has as beautiful weather as we do here in PA!!  God bless and good day!  I hope that I can write in here atleast a couple to a few times a week now so stop on by and see what blah, blah, blabbing I can do!!!!  Bye now!!!!

go rHappy Anniversary (Cont.)

Continued from below........

I also want to celebrate my wonderful family and friends that have stuck by me and have been there for me even though I was not myself for awhile.  You know who you are.  I tell you again and again how much I love you :-)  Life is just so much better with you in it!!  I have started reading a book called "Full Catastrophe Living".  It is a wonderful book that shows you how to use your body AND mind to face pain, stress and illness.  It is an eight-week course.  It opens up your mind to enjoy even mundane tasks as well as the beautiful things in life, always being in the present and being mindful.  It teaches you meditation (which I have done, and loved, for years) and some yoga.  I recommend the book to anyone who wants to lower their stress and slow down and enjoy their day a bit more.  The present is all we have.  I think we buy in too easily to the myth that things will get better in the future only if......  That is a scary, scary thing to fall into.  Today is a gift!  Now I am signing off to go enjoy my day.  I can't wait to see what it has in store for me.  Wishing all of you a very special, wonderful day full of special, little moments! 

Happy Anniversary To Me!

I am using a celebratory color today!  It has been one year this week that I had my brain/spine surgery.  Krissy, this is an anniversary for you also!  I was told that after one year I would know how successful my surgery was because swelling goes down and things fall into place by then.  I am greatly pleased, obviously, that they saved my life and for that I will ALWAYS be grateful.  Anything added to that is just icing on the cake.  I also am having pretty good pain control and about 50% decrease in symptoms.  Some are gone, some not.  I will take this outcome and celebrate!!!  Yay!!!  I had a two-year headache that is gone and only comes back now and again so life is pretty good.  I would say this past year has been a year of fear and grief and pushing away feelings of even having these feelings.  I am sure that I rushed my healing along physically and mentally WAY TOO FAST.  I didn't know exactly what I was up against as I had never had to do this before and hope I will never again.  So, looking back, I have learned a great deal about myself and how strong I am and how sick I really was.  I have learned to really trust what is inside of me and listen to my own heart and soul.  I have learned that I am strong and that no one can do any work for me or tell me how I am supposed to be doing or "behaving".  I have "lost" some time and even possibly a friend or two because they did not understand, but I am now happy that I am doing things at my pace and honoring my spirit. (Continued)

Gee, very sad.  They found ricin powder sent to the senate office of the majority leader on the Hill.  Apparently, ricin causes respiratory symptoms and can kill.  I looked it up and found out that it is a poisonous protein from the castor-oil  plant.  This brings back memories of the anthrax scare of a couple years ago.  Sadly, they never found the culprit of those murders.  I remember everyone in the country being afraid to even open their mail - to even touch it.  They are closing down Capitol Hill to de-contaminate.  Immediately following the September 11 attacks of a little over 2 years ago I was glued to the TV and could not turn it off.  It was on even when I fell into fit-full sleep.  All of my days were filled with TV in the background and it went on for months and months like this.  I am not sure when this turned around and I decided not to become a "victim" of the news.  I think it was during the Iraq war.  I new it would be televised 24/7.  I couldn't be awake all the time and watch it perpetually.  I knew this from 9/11 and my news experience with that.  So I decided to put my TV on between one and three times a day for only a half-hour or less when something very big was happening.  Other than that, it was never news-all-day-again. 

So, we have a foot of snow out there again today!  Arghhhhhhh!  I do believe it is one of the most beautiful one's I have seen yet, though.  Wishing all warmth and hot chocolate.